I have a few things to say to you.
You came to me as a friend, a way of controlling the controllables and giving me a sense of power and order in my life. You came at a crucial time. A time that I would have latched onto anything to make myself feel that little bit better. That bit more in control. That bit happier.
You played a good game. You promised routine and comfortability. You seemed like a great solution. I truly believed you were a help. At first, you were. But then the advised everyday core exercises grew and morphed. They got eeked out. Made longer, more intense. From 5 minutes they slowly evolved into 15 minutes and completely forgot their initial purpose.
You came to me as a friend. But that is not what you have become. You were a toxic friend. But now I see you as the enemy that you are. You are a narcissistic power. A manipulating toxin making me feel like I want you, need you to feel normal and start my day.
I tried to modify and lessen you. I often promised myself it would be the last time. But your grip was too tight. I was only lying to myself.
You appeared free but you cost a lot. You quickly took my power and freedom against my will. I became enslaved to you. Addicted. Dependant on you. I couldn’t start my day without you.
I can’t believe I let you get this far. This is control. This warped.
Well, enough is enough.
I can’t envision a happy, normal future with you controlling it. I can’t even imagine one with you in it. Can I really see myself secretly getting out of bed each morning before my partner wakes up to go and do you? Ensuring there is an adequate surface in our room to do you on? Prioritising you over everything else. Everywhere. Anytime. Regardless of anyone. I lied to myself, convincing myself that you were a good thing, that I was helping myself get stronger. But now I realise your true cost. Now I realise what you really are. A toxic obsession.
I therefore quit you. I don’t need you. I don’t want you. I am liberating myself from your clutches.
I won’t stress and worry if I don’t start my day by doing you. As guess what? I am never going to do you again. I am freeing myself from you. Entirely. I am controlling my life. Not you.
For the last time,