That inner demon.
That demon in my head is persistent, I’ll give it that. It’s in it for the long run. Think of an actual life mean girl. That’s her. She is brutal.
“Don’t eat it. You will get fat”
“Stop! What are you doing?”
“You can see where all the fat is going. Straight to your stomach. Look.”
“Look you’ve ruined everything now. You may as well just finish it.”
“Just don’t eat anytime later”
“You need to exercise it off’
She goes on…
But listen up. I’m ready now. I can handle you.
As weird as it sounds, don’t fight it. For me, this is key.
See it for what it is. Don’t act on it. Don’t listen to it. Just Follow the plan. 1 minute at a time.
My only job, the only way to recover, is to think one day at a time. Just every 24 hours. One step at a time. Bit by bit. There is no point trying to beat it forever in one go. Reality check. This just won’t happen. I will find a way out of this. Even if it is just considering the next hour. Just, don’t listen to it.
The voice is out of your control. Stop fighting it. It is too strong. The only thing you can do is CHOOSE not to listen to it. Not to act on it. See it for what it is.
You’re the voice of my illness. The voice of my addiction. You are not me. You are just trying to control me. I don’t want to be controlled anytime. You’re not part of me. You’re an anti-self. Not part of my self-love. Not part of the true me. Ha. You are just a temporary feature. You will be history soon.
Each day I simply need to find a willingness not act upon what it says. This is tricky. It is hard to do it alone. Support: find it, use it, and appreciate it. You need it. I don’t want this life. This isn’t me. I didn’t ask, or choose this. But I will beat it. Every time you give into it, give into the urge, you feed the addiction. You strengthen it. It grows in power and persuasiveness. It is easy to get caught up in this paralysing nothingness.
Again: Just don’t act. Every time I don’t act on it, I weaken it. I am regaining the control. One action at a time. By not listening. By not following.
Make this parasite into an inner dialogue. Separate yourself from it. Remember, it isn’t you.
It wants to talk? Well, talk back…
“You will get over this”
“I’m not listening to you”
“You are wrong”
“I am stronger than you”
“Come on, you can do this”
“One thing at a time”
“Progress not perfection”
“Shut the f*%^ up!”
THE BIGGEST QUESTION: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
I remind myself that you need and WANT this.
Ask your higher self. Ask for help. Accept help. Take the right thought, take the right action.
A routine to set up your day. Setting your intentions for the day. An affirmation out loud.
I am doing this today. This 24 hours.
I wrote a list and stuck it on my mirror to say out loud, face to face with myself each morning. Trivial? Maybe. But is seems to be helping. So, I’m sticking with it.
Think long term. The majority of my medical problems will improve with weight gain. That is a fact.
I don’t want brittle bones at 30yrs, dry skin, weak hair and sore joints. I want to be able to have children. I want normal hormones. A normal metabolism. I want to be healthy.
Enough with this emotional instability. Constantly crying, irritable, obsessive. This isn’t me. Let’s get the old me back.
My body is tired. It is physically struggling. It is fatigued and weak. I need to stop slowly destroying it. I want to be active, capable and strong. I can be.
Freedom from myself, my thoughts. Freedom to do what I want, when and how I want to.
Flexibility with food. With exercise, with timings. With life. No more self-imposed restriction and rules.
- To live again
It is as simple as that.
Every time I’m struggling in these 24 hours I come back to the list. Come back to the heart of the problem. My goals. Why I am doing this. Why recovery will be worth it.
Practice what you preach
- Meditation: Mental release. Focusing on my breath. Clearing my mind. Refreshing and rejuvenating myself. Setting or resetting myself up for the 24 hours. What are today’s intentions?
- Mindfulness: Emotional release. Just being in the moment. Silencing the constant worry and obsession of planning and over analysing. You are spending time with friends. You are on holiday. Surrounded by loved ones. Enjoy it. Be present. This is why you are living.
- Breathing: Slowing down. Connecting. Taking a step back. Making time for me.
- Yoga: Physical release. I’ve found this brings together all the elements of mindfulness, breath work and meditation. Allowing my body and mind to connect and clear. Connecting with myself, my intentions and goals. This allows me to put everything into perspective and connect with others better.
Constantly working on the eternal battle to find physical, mental and emotional balance and stability.
What did I do today towards my recovery?
Did I manage to keep it in the day? That 24 hours. To weaken that voice?
I’m not scared, but my mental illness is.